What Hurts The most
by bardalicious
Summary: This is a LirinGoku fic. After The journey west, and some Kougaiji, Lirin fluff. This is really sad, and this song belongs to rascal flatts. .


Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki or This song.

I know I used this song on Lord of the Rings, but I wanted to use it for Saiyuki too. And I will work on Demons of the Past, just give me some time.

What Hurts the Most

Lirin started searching for her stuff, her eyes were red from crying, and her brother was at the door watching her with sad eyes. She was hurt at by what happened, and Kougaiji felt so guilty. " It's not true...it can't be true..." Lirin cried, " Tell me it isn't true."

" Lirin..." Kougaiji said softly, " These things happen..." He didn't know what to say, Goku's death was so sudden, and he knew how much Lirin liked him.

" It had to happen to him didn't it? The one that I liked, the one that actually liked me back..." Lirin cried, she turned to him, " You did this! You hated him!" She started to attack him, " Say it! Say you hated him!"

Kougaiji held her roughly, " Lirin, please..." Tears streamed down his cheek, " Lirin...I never hated him..."

" Liar!" Lirin cried, trying to get away, " Liar! I Hate you! I hate you!"

Yaone, who was listening to everything, started to cry. How could this happen to her? Why Goku? When Hakkai, Sanzo and Gojyo came back after defeating Gyumaoh, they came back without Goku. Lirin had asked them, and Hakkai gave her his coronet, telling her he had gone berserk and that Sanzo had to finally put him down.

* * *

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But thats not what gets me

* * *

_" Lirin, What is it? Is it your brother?" Goku asked as the two sat down by the river. The two of them had run off after a fight with their groups, and coincedentally ran into eachother._

_" No, no it isn't." Lirin said with a sigh, placing her head on his shoulder, " Goku, do you ever think about the future? I mean, what do you see?"_

_" What do you see?" He asked in return, she looked at him._

_" I'm serious." she said, he let out a sigh. He thought for a moment, and smiled._

_" You...I see you..." He replied, kissing her on her cheek, she smiled and kissed him back. She laughed, and ran off, while he just sat there laughing. " What do you see?"

* * *

_

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin to do

* * *

" How is Lirin doing?" Hakkai asked Yaone as they walked across the forest, " I mean, she did take it pretty hard, didn't she?"

" She locks herself in her room, she won't go near Kougaiji or me, and she doesn't eat, so, she's not doing too well." Yaone said, " Kougaiji is not doing good, he thinks it's his fault."

" Goku is the one who wanted to take his coronet off, and Sanzo wasn't able to control him, so he had to shoot him." Hakkai said, " It's no one's fault..."

" Yeah, but that must've been hard. To kill your friend." Yaone said, " Goku was a good person, I always had the upmost respect for him."

Hakkai smiled, " I wish it didn't have to end that way, Sanzo feels guilty, I saw him cry for the first time when he shot Goku. He looked at him for the last time, and I saw a tear fall down his face before he pulled the trigger."

Yaone was about to reply when she heard Lirin screaming at someone, " She's probably yelling at Kougaiji again..."

Hakkai winced as he heard crashes, and angry voices, " Seems like that's the case."

* * *

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But Im doin It  
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and Im alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

* * *

Lirin wanted to scream, she wanted to fall down and die, she wanted Goku..." Goku...please...I need you..." She curled up in a ball on her bed, and cried, " Goku, why did it have to be you?"

" Why did it have to be me?" A voice came from behind, she gasped, and turned around, there he was, but not in his body. He still looked the same, but he was clear, like a ghost or something.

Lirin got out of her bed, " Goku? Is that you?"

" Yes, the heavens said I could see you for one last time..." Goku walked over to her, he was taller than her, but not that tall, he smiled as he layed his hand on her head and pulled her close, " Lirin, I love you..."

She started to cry, " I love you too...please, don't go!"

" I have to Lirin..." Goku said, " It's my time..."

" No, you said you saw me in your future, when? Goku!" Lirin was trying to cling to him, but her hands fell right through. " Goku! Please!"

Goku started to disappear, " I love you Lirin..."

" Goku! Don't GO!" Lirin sobbed, now on her knees, " Goku!" He smiled at her, one last time, and faded away, " No! Goku!" She started to cry again, " Why? Goku!" She heard a knock at her door, but it wasn't Kougaiji, since she wouldn't talk to him, but it was Dokugakuji.

" Lirin, are you alright?" He asked through the door.

She sat there silent, for a moment...what could she say? That she saw Goku? No, they'd think she was crazy, or maybe, she was.

* * *

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

* * *

" Lirin?" Dokugakuji asked, he was getting worried of the silence, " Lirin, I'm coming in." He opened the door, and saw that lirin was sobbing in the middle of her room. He sighed, and walked over to her.

He was suprised when Lirin latched onto him the instant he kneeled down by her, " Don't leave me..." She had whispered in his ears.

" I'm not going to, Lirin..." Dokugakuji said, picking her up. He felt bad, Lirin was like a sister to him, and he hated seeing her so sad, so depressed. He was scared that she may revert to commiting suicide.

She didn't say anything, but just clung to Doku's neck and sobbed. The older man sat on her bed, and started to rock her. Supporting her head with his right hand, and had his left arm around her waist.

" Lirin...you need to talk to Kou.." Dokugakuji told her, " It can't go on like this."

" Then maybe I should just leave..." Lirin whispered.

" No, that would make him even more sad then he already is." Doku protested, " Yaone and I would be sad..."

" Doku..." Lirin said, " Why did Sanzo have to kill Goku in the first place?"

" He was going berserk and out of control, Lirin, he had to." Doku said, " You wouldn't want Goku to live that way."

" No, I guess I wouldn't..." Lirin said, " I'll talk to Kougaiji then..."

" Good..." Dokugakuji said, standing up, " Let's go."

* * *

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

* * *

Lirin stood at the door of Kougaiji's room, and knocked, " Kougaiji?" She whispered, she didn't hear a reply, but she heard shuffling noises indicating that he was walking towards the door.

He opened the door, and she could see the shock in his face, " Lirin..."

She saw how sad he was, and started to hate herself for doing this to him, Lirin started to cry and lunged herself at him, clinging to his waist, " I'm sorry..." She whispered, " I'm sorry..."

Kougaiji held her, " Don't be...Lirin..."

" I just miss him so much...I know he was supposed to be my enemy, but I loved him..." Lirin said, " Are you mad at me?"

" Of course not." Kougaiji said, " I can never be mad at you."

'' I love you, onnichan..." Lirin cried, " I love you..."

" I love you too..."

Not seeing that loving you  
Thats what I was trying to do

The next day, Lirin went over to Goku's grave, and knelt down, she caressed the rose that she held, _" What do you see?" _Goku's voice rang through her head, and she started to cry, but smiled at the same time. She knew she would see him again someday, " I saw you...Goku, I saw you."

* * *

Ok, that is it...

Lirin: You're mean.

Me: I know.


End file.
